TALLAHASSEE, FLA.—After years of teetering on the brink of geriatric critical mass, Florida finally capsized Monday, collapsing under the weight of its elderly populace.

Florida, which, according to the 2030 census, had a senior-citizen population of 280 million, finally caved in at approximately 2:15 p.m. EST, when Ozone Park, N.Y., retirees Sol and Myra Rosenblatt arrived in Boca Raton to live out their golden years. The Queens couple added just enough weight to the state to capsize it.

Millions of mah-jongg tiles were lost

see FLORIDA page 10A

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Calling the bill "like, so totally fiscally irresponsible," President Love Hewitt announced Monday that she will veto the proposed Gellar-

Boreanaz ArmsAppropriations Act.

"I mean, there is, like, no way I am signing that bill as it currently stands," Love Hewitt said. "As if."

The bill, which would allocate an

see HEWITT page 5A

MICROSOFT MOUNTAIN—Bill Gates announced Monday that he will not honor the American people's request to loosen their tracking bracelets.

"I have heard your desperate pleas, and I say 'Nay!'" said Gates, addressing the populace from a secret underground bunker deep within Microsoft Mountain. "The bracelets shall remain as they have always been—fastened tightly about the left ankle of every citizen."

Gates's edict comes on the heels of his Nov. 7 refusal to lower the cost of mandatory Windows 35 brain-chip implantation surgery. As a result of that decision, all Americans will be required to pay $11,750 for the Microsoft surgery, in addition to the standard $6,300 cost of the Windows 35 cranial software itself.

Above: Bill Gates, who has decided to keep Americans' Tracking bracelets "nice and tight."

"Who dares refuse to have my operating system implanted in their

see GATES page 7A

BOSTON —Propelled by a ninth-inning quintuple by Ken Griffey III, the Budweiser Red Sox beat the Home Depot Cubs 4-3 last night before a capacity crowd of 115,477 at Bud Dry Stadium. The victory gave the defend­ing champion Red Sox a 1-0 lead in the best-of-21 series.

"I can't tell you how excited I am," said Griffey, enjoying a delicious, frost-brewed Budweiser. "Much like the King of Beers, a hard-fought victory like this leaves a great taste in your mouth."

Home Depot took the lead early, scor­ing twice in the top of the Chevy Lumi-na Second Inning, but fell behind when pitcher Kentaro Kumagai surrendered a three-run homer, brought to you by All­state, The Good Hands People.

see BUDWEISER page 1D

Final Tree Dies In Captivity

 Above: The last tree.

SAN DIEGO—Ming Ming, the beloved ficus believed to be the last remaining tree on Earth, died Monday at the San Diego Zoo. It was 37.

"We will all miss Ming Ming very much," said San Diego Zoo director Jessica Embery. "Everyone here at the zoo, visitors and employees alike, used to love to gather around this rare crea­ture's cage to watch it playfully photo-synthesize."

Embery said the zoo had attempted

to mate the tree with other endangered species, including the northern spotted owl and the cow, but was unsuccessful.

"We did our best, but our leafy friend was unable to reproduce," Embery said.

Trees, an oxygen-producing form of flora, once covered much of the planet's surface. They were officially declared endangered in May 2019, less than two years after it was discovered that their bark could be used in the production of

see TREE page 14A